So yesterday my anxiety was on overdrive. All day! Sure I could have taken a Xanax or a Valium just to help ease the anxiety but I chose instead to drink. Okay, when I mean drink I had TWO bloody Mary’s. That’s right . Just two. I am not a big drinker and typically I may have one or two cocktails a week if that and usually it’s a social thing. But yesterday I gave in. And I’ll share another secret…..I smoked a cigarette too. Oh boy. I was living on the edge. But I have decided that for me, when I am in that state of mind, if I chose to do something that isn’t necessarily that healthy, I will allow myself the indulgence. Because I don’t do it often, I refuse to beat myself up for being human and doing what feels good at the moment.
I feel that we do what we have to do and it may not always be the right thing. But is there a right thing when we are grieving? I remember when my dad died last year, Haagen Daz Vanilla ice cream became my best friend. Every night it was just me and that container (Yes….the container…I won’t mention what size) and for about 20 minutes all the pain and sadness was on hold. The pleasure of the ice cream truly took me out of my head and I just went with it. And of course I did put on a bit of weight. But shit, I didn’t care. Comfort was what I was after. Just brief comfort.
I am now passed this phase thank god. Okay, maybe not totally. I still have a date night here and there with Haagen Daz. My mom used to say ” Life is short so enjoy that ice cream sundae at the end of the day”. So in a way I feel like I am honoring her by doing this. That’s what I tell myself anyway.
So last night I had a mini pity party. And I mean very mini. I barely had a buzz. But, just the ritual of the drink and the cigarette felt good. I can’t lie about that.
I won’t do it often but I will do it again. Fortunately for me I don’t suffer with addiction. Man, I feel bad for people who do and that are grieving. What a slippery slope that could be.