I have been thinking about this. I have been with three family members when they died. My maternal grandmother, my dad and my mom. Just inches away from them.
I have heard people say how beautiful if is when your loved one passes and that if you are near them that you can feel their soul pass and that it is really an amazing experience . That there is this beautiful thing in hearing them take their last breathe.
I call bullshit. Now if you have had that experience that is awesome for you. I did not have this experience and I am disappointed times three. For me especially when it came to my dad and my mom, all I felt was total sadness and deep sorrow at seeing the people I loved the most dead. I so wanted that beautiful feeling I’d heard about so many times. I wanted that breathe taking feeling of them leaving their body and head towards the heavens. I really did.
Don’t get me wrong. I feel completely honored and so beyond grateful I was able to be there for their final breathe and see them out. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. But it hurts so much to have the memory of seeing them dead. It’s a visual I will never be able to get out of my head.
Now that being said, there were some really beautiful and touching moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. Each passing was so vastly different. There was complete love and compassion with each and those are the memories I will cherish. With my dad especially there was very honest and heartbreaking conversation . Things he needed to say to me. Words I will cherish for the rest of my life.
I do try to not think of the final few minutes. Whenever it pops into my mind I do whatever I can to think of something else. I’m not always successful at this but it does get a bit better with time.